septic narcoleptic apoplectic
it’s been awhile since my last mind-numbing, limb-bending, adrenaline-pumping toxic stint.
the side-perks & privileges (no matter how deservedly earned) of "seniority" in our unit never quite sat well with me. i think that somehow (and this is true even in other aspects of life), having it easy lulls you to complacency, breeds in you a fall sense of hubris, & deceives you into believing that you are a demi-god of uber competency. this is why i don’t really mind much when i get swamped with ‘toxic’ cases. because the experience can be at once humbling & self-affirming, with all its gory glory. it reminds you that you are flawed, and also that you are capable of so much more than you give yourself credit for. so i tell myself.
after a long stretch of humdrum duty, i had another taste of the ICU extra-extra challenge d other day. Chua, Suan* gave me a mega-dose of ‘clinical chaos’, coming in septic & virtually unresponsive to any & all medical tricks my harassed MROD could conjure. Hypotensive? Fast drip 10 liters of IVF!! (hyperbolically speaking) haha. What can I say, our mds. are fluid-challenge junkies. Minutes later I see cutesie pink frothy stuff happily bubbling up & down my ET tube. Yahu, pulmonary edema is that yu?!! Dang.
The cardiac monitor is set such that the screen icons turn red when parameters turn abnormal. My entire monitor is ALL glowing red, vermillion scarlet rouge, red-eyed monster,redness redness everywhere.. Sauron Sauron is that you? Lintek.
HR 160s, I push Adenosine like Flash would, flipped up Suan’s mottled arm & flushed & flushed & feel quite smug about my exceptional technique…nothing happened. The OC in me worried. Did I get it in in less than 3 seconds? is my iv out? is this a fluke? a joke?
And Rody Sy is watching. His sharp, chinky eyes watching, watching the transpiring of nothing.
My patient will die. Or I might.
I tell myself that this too would end. And it did. Soon enough. Chua, Suan is dead and left me a vicious viscous green (Pseudomonas, Klebs,Alpha-Strep, who knows) souvenir to remember him by.
*patient confidentiality teeheee
